Well, hello.... and welcome… to my New Year’s Greeting Card.  It wasn’t easy being a barely legal me in 2007.  Sure, my pool boys think I’m 22, but I’ve dropped balls at least twice that amount.  And in my time, I’ve learned some helpful “tricks” of the trade: like how to spot-clean joy juice from an aqua-netted weave, or deep-throat kielbasas.  But I’ve also learned a lot about life -- Thanks, fortune cookies! 

So here are a few tips to make this the best year [whisper] EVER….

We all have inner beauty, but unless you’re a Chinese contortionist with a big mirror, YOU'LL never see it.  That’s why looking  thin and being fashionable are essential. 

Do you like this face?  I never leave my boudoir without a few accoutrements....
1. blush
2. botox
3. hair spray and caulking glue
4. Maybelline’s signature “Canine Erection Red” lipstick
5. and a good sharpie to really bring out the eyes. 

I also recommend a balanced diet of tic tacs and cigarettes....  or tape worms, for ladies on the go.

The second key to happiness is money. 

For example, I always pay top bucks for a fuzzy white beaver. And this was hardly the exception. 

But, wait a mo'!  Low on cash, you say?

No problemo! 

Just remember: "the future, TODAY!"  All you need is a webcam and a working bowel.  What was that?  Money CAN’T buy happiness?!  Well, anyone who thinks so has never done 6 inch lines of booger sugar off an 8 inch hunk name Julio, the best hired hustler in a harness and pasties…. God, I love Reno!

Oh, and lastly.  Fact: never underestimate the power of a good mental attitude.  I always think “positive”... unless of course,  I’m under the gun for my Hep test.  And while all those un-famous ex's may hate your wealth and emaciated body, just look into my lazy eye of doom and repeat after me: 

1. “Junky whore” hurts, but it’s also French for “H-O-T exclamation point”. 

And 2.  Brenda Dickson’s got yo sexy back, bi-atch.

Kudos us.  Happy New Year.

--BD